Straight From the Mouth of Emily

We stopped at where I told you I try to laugh about OCD, because if you don’t all you’ll do is cry. I wish I could insert you into my pass so you could just be a fly on my back to witness all the super weird things I did. It sure would make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Let’s time travel, back to my seventh grade year. I went to school in a 2-A middle school, our class at this point was around 30 kids, give or take. I felt like I was fairly popular, but I was constantly in panic mode. Would I still be considered “cool” next week? What if my mom wouldn’t let me spend the night this weekend? Oh shit, a new thing to obsess over. I’m going to chant this in my head over and over in groups of 7s (my favorite number). What if my mom won’t let me spend the night at X’s house to night. Over and over and over. I’d make myself sick over this. I’d do the same if I had a test. I’d study myself absolutely sick. I’d chant all the information to myself over and over. Those “open-ended” questions? Like death to me. Because of course there was nothing to chant. I needed black and white answers, things that were written in the text. I’d be sick until the grade and tests were returned. Anything lower than an A-? You don’t even want to guess. Once I threw up in a Walmart sack on the way home from school because I got a B+. Yep, I did. Now do you believe me? My mind was seriously rebelling against me, and I had no idea how to fix it, how to stop this mess from circling in my head.

Chanting was my main madness. I also had number of “touches”. For example, if I had to get meat from the freezer in my parent’s basement, I’d have to repeat a phrase so many times in the correct order before closing the lid and coming back upstairs. Crazily enough- I still haven’t been able to let that one go.

There’s so many more instances like this, from minimal to WOW, this is through the roof crazy. All me, all things I did, all things I may do on occasion still. Guess what, though? If I’m resonating with any of you- there’s hope. I promise.